I have it on good authority that the title of this record is “Bremen Minstrels.” Apart from that, I can’t tell you much (shocker: I don’t speak Russian) except that this has to be the grooviest, funkiest kids record known to man. You will find yourself unconsciously humming these tunes tomorrow, perhaps over your morning cofee, while making that big presentation at the office, or indeed during the consummation of your martial vows. It’s that catchy. From Melodiya, the Soviet state-owned record monopoly.
Your attention please. I am thy captain. The flight thou art making today is the same which Abraham, Moses, John, Peter, Paul, and all of those redeemed before have made. Enoch and Elijah joined us in mid-flight, without passing through the Gate of Death. We shall be flying today at altitudes unlimited and at a speed never known to thee before. Flying time to the New Jerusalem is not considered, for thou are now in the realm known as Eternity, where Time is no more. As we left the Earth, the weather was stormy with heavy overcast, but the report from the New Jerusalem is, as it always will be, a beautiful day without a cloud.
For those who wonder what it would be like if God ran His own airline offering direct flights to the Afterlife, this record provides a “dramatic comparison.” Passengers need merely have their ticket stamped with the blood of Christ before making their way down the blood spattered sprinkled concourse to the Gate of Death. Your seatbelt is Psalm 23. No meals will be served on this flight, as you’re about to gorge yourself at the Great Banquet Table upon arrival (also, one assumes, because you are dead.) So pack your bags and let’s jet away from this moral coil! But don’t bother bringing your Earthly burdens, as these have recently been banned by the TSA.
This record was listed at Show&Tell for a long time, but now seems to have disappeared. Recently it sold on eBay for over $20. So, I figure now is a good time to release its full glory to the sharity world.
Excerpt: Your stewardess, the Angel of Mercy
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America, 1965! Lots of nice people! Menfolks, and womenfolks! Old folks and young folks, with lots of in-between folks. Tall people and short people, with lots of neither one people. Some are happy, others sad. But, men or women, old or young, tall or short, happy or sad, they all keep you in the People Business– where the money is!
Years ago my friend Schwa gave me a board game-sized box of Chevrolet sales training material, circa 1965. Inside were some pamphlets and posters, and two filmstrips with vinyl record soundtracks. The “WHY?” button above was also included– I don’t know why it says “WHY” but I can only assume that it has something to do with my buying an OK used car.
I don’t have the box or the posters anymore, but here are the soundtracks from the two filmstrips. If you listen carefully, you might even hear the low bass rumble that tells the machine to advance to the next frame. I think the filmstrips are still kicking around somewhere, too– If I ever find them, I’ll have to combine them with the audio, somehow.
Here’s an amazing little bit of ephemera I found at a junk store on Canal St. for 25 cents. It’s your very special day, as only Modern Bride can deliver it– third class!
Included in the sleeve was this pamphlet explaining how to do your makeup for the camera (“admit to your imperfections”) and admonishing you to keep your fat Uncle Louie and his cheap Minolta out of the way of the photographer (“only a PROFESSIONAL photographer can capture [your day] from the flurry of just before the wedding to the last whirling handful of confetti.”)
As you can see, Modern Bride delved deep into their portfolio to bring you the widest possible sample of their professional work. Oh, and by the way, they’re the “Pioneer Of Natural Color Wedding Photography,” just in case you get the impression that your photos will come back in shades of gray and harvest gold.
And for the groom, two free tuxedos with every purchase of six or more, for when he gets hammered on piña coladas and pukes all over himself just prior to making a pass at your cousin Iris, that skank.
As for the recording inside… not what I was expecting. I’ll let you judge for yourself.
Listen:
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Summer may be nearly over, but there’s still one more weekend (a long on, at that) to throw that luau…
A great little album of vocal hula music, done in a very traditional style. A couple tracks devolve into kitsch (“Little Brown Gal” is amusingly racist) but most are lovely. Produced by Tommy Kearns, who seems to have been a big name in Hawaiian music, although I can’t find much about him online; maybe some Hawaiian buffs can fill us in. Dig the instructional diagrams on the album’s reverse side. And as always, enjoy!
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Attack of the Killer Singing Dolls from Beyond the Uncanny Valley!
From the movie Thunderbirds are GO (1966.) This is the famous marionette work of Gerry and Sylvia Anderson that was the inspiration for Team America: World Police. The lips move in time with the actors’ voices via electromagnets hidden in the puppets’ bodies. Link via The World of Kane.
If this doesn’t qualify as “Queasy Listening,” I don’t know what does. Connie Chung, distraught over the cancellation of her lame cable show, and apparently harboring more than a little resentment towards her tool of a husband-slash-cohost, decides to channel her feelings into art.
Some things to watch out for: Connie’s drunken leg-waving and skirt-flapping, her less-than-graceful descent from the piano (unnnnnnnnngh!) and her collapse into a catatonic stupor at the very end. Oh, and signs of any movement or life whatsoever from the “pianist.”
I originally picked this up thinking it was some weird Latin American Hula fusion record (the back is entirely in Spanish and the record seems to be from Venezula.) Well… no. It’s even weirder: Hawaiian music with a Dixieland sound. And it’s apparently a South American reissue (bootleg?) of an American a British record. Very fun and goofy Hula tunes from guitarist Billy Bell. (A very clean transfer with only minimal surface noise, too!) Enjoy.
Listen:
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