All posts by Scooter

Spiro T. Agnew Speaks Out (collector’s edition)

When I hear the name “Spiro Agnew,” the first thing that comes to mind is the fact it’s an anagram for “grow a penis.” Thus said, aside from the fact that he was the VP under Nixon, I know absolutely nothing about the man.

Now, with this record, I got a small glimpse into the heart and soul of the man himself. I got a glimpse, and it’s a dark, sinister place. In this record (the collector’s edition, I suppose to distinguish it from the regular, mainstream edition), we get to hear speeches about how everyone but the Republican Party sucks, and how everyone’s crazy and on drugs except for our noble leaders, all wrapped up in a nice little really boring package.

Public speaking wasn’t one of Spiro’s strong points, if you go by these recordings. He sputters and hesitates in odd places. The audience, however, ranges from seeming politely amused to whooping (yes, someone actually yells “YEEE HAW!” at one point) and cheering. However, the most enthusiastic person on this record is the uncredited announcer. The announcer serves as kind of a Spiro cheerleader, just in case you couldn’t follow what the VP was saying, since his speeches are layered with obtuse, wordy rhetoric and convoluted sentence structures.

Occasionally Spiro will lash out at someone, or more likely a faceless entity, like Democrats, hippies, Communists, or dissenters in general. I think the only time delivers a personal dis is to former President Johnson. Oh snap! Basically, he comes across as being pretty full of hatred, and blanketly labels dissenters as un-patriotic. Hmm. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? The ironic thing is, he disses all the people who have a negative view of America, and who can only see its bad points. Hmmm, pot, kettle what now?
What’s scary about this is how relevant this record is today. When Mr. Agnew talks about people being against the Vietnam War and insinuates how they are all unpatriotic spoiled brats, he could be speaking about the Iraq situation today. Don’t forget to listen to the cut where he gets to demonstrate his wit! I have no idea what he’s talking about, but apparently it’s funny.

Damn hippies

Sayonara Farewell Tokyo: Souvenir Songs of Japan

For some reason, in the 1950s and 1960s the USA had a morbid fascination with the nations it conquered and exploited. Witness the number of Hawaiian-themed records, souvenirs, and decorations. Native Americans became a popular image to emulate as well, with Tonto and the stereotypical indian Brave. After World War II, Japan was likewise unspared. Or, as the album’s liner notes puts it, “After humiliating surrender, the Japanese people found they had a friend in their conquerer.”

This album (appropriately enough put out by Honolulu Records) boasts the best in rejecting Japanese music’s traditional past. Again, citing the liner notes, “no longer is music tightly compartmentalized, rejecting change and adulteration.” In honor of this, they got women with names like Aiko Bingo and Sparky Iwamoto to sing big band-style songs–in Japanese!

The music itself is super catchy. I have “Tokyo Boogie Woogie” stuck in my head, which to me sounds like “a tokyo boogie oogie a a ookie ookie a zookie zookie wahoo wahooooooo.” I’m not sure what this means, but I’m hoping maybe it’s scat-like nonsense so I don’t sound like a *complete* idiot walking around the house singing it!

So anyway, let this be a lesson to future conquered nations– not only can we colonize your country, but we will assimilate your music as well!

War of the Worlds (abridged) read by Leonard Nimoy

Eat your heart out, Tom Cruise; Stephen Spielberg ain’t got nothin’ on Leonard Nimoy!

I remember attempting to read H.G. Wells’ masterpiece in high school, and failing miserably because it was just. so. boring. Every sentence in the book contained at least 3 SAT vocabulary words, making it cumbersone to read and nearly impossible to keep the plot in sight. Unfortunately, not even Mr. Spock can keep me awake for this entire record.

As a basic book-on-record, Leonard does the best he can with the vast moutains of clunky adjectives; his voice lends the right amount of suspense, credibility, and lack of emotion that is necessary for the narrator of this story. Fans of the book will probably either love this version, being only slightly annoyed that it’s abridged. All in all, Leonard Nimoy does a much better job as a book reader than as a singer. He seems in his element as a narrator, whereas his albums kind of sound like bad, slightly drunken exercises in karaoke.

But don’t take it from me! There are probably zillions of people out there who are huge War of the Worlds fans. Heck, H.G. Wells’ son scared the crap out of the nation back in the 1940s when he broadcast a radio-play version of this book; it’s that powerful. I’ll venture to guess that he omitted a lot of the adjectives for the radio version, though.

For your perusal:

Leonard’s singing career:

Narration:

War of the Worlds - exerpt 2

War of the Worlds - exerpt 4

The Turuttaret Trio - From Finland With Love

This trio of fine Finnish ladies’ talent is as big as their hair. Why, Maire Tammenlasko (accordionist) also wrote two of the songs on this record (including “Kapakkalaulajatar” or “Cabaret Singer”) and did most of the arrangements. Hannele Lehtonen is the Geddy Lee of the trio, playing bass guitar and singing. Amelita Tammela studied classical cello and piano, but now (or at least in 1974), bangs the drums slowly. These nordic chicks have played in the leading hotels and night clubs throughout Finland, according to the liner notes… and offer “this album to you for your listening and dancing pleasure.”

So put on your Finnish dancing shoes, because we now bring you:

Both of the above are Finnish Folk Songs; don’t ask me how to pronounce them or what they mean. However, they both have an insidious way of getting stuck in your head, even if you don’t know a word of Finnish.

The Original Trinidad Steel Band

There are no credits on the album whatsoever–nobody will own up to creating this masterpiece, except for Winston Jones, the “leader.” Which happy, be-ponchoed dude in a colorful silly had is he? Alas, we’ll never know. All we know is that this records contains 12 of our most beloved tunes rendered in none other than– steel drums! Each cut is a voyage of multiculturalism as we hear Caribbean rhythms and sounds bang out “Paris Mambo,” “Spanish Eyes,” “Guantanamera,” and of course, the staple of all records done in the ’60s, Offenbach’s “Barcarolle” from Tales of Hoffman. Crank up this album in the dead of winter when you yearn to be on a golden beach under palm trees with a bunch of guys with brightly-colored maracas emblazoned across their chests smiling at you.

Truckstop - Alles Klar

As 1980s German country music goes, I suppose this is pretty catchy. It doesn’t have any of the sad themes of modern country music– nobody loses a truck, nobody’s dog dies, it’s just happy little ditties about cowboys with a lot of slide guitar. But, it’s in German. Can you picture Herman Goering riding the range? Helmut Kohl rustling cattle? Well, neither can I, which is why I love this album.

The best track on the record is undoubtedly “Jonny Galaxis,” which is a space anthem set far in the future. It is the tale of Jonny Galaxis, the the 3-eyed futuristic space cowboy and seasoned sheriff, who threatens the narrator with a parking violation.

Here is my crappy translation (you at least get the gist of it):

Es war im Jahr 3010 In der weiten Ebene des Alls Die Seidler zogen zu tausenden gen Jupiter Auch ich war mit meinem 18düsigen Vierzigtonner Unterwegs nach Westen, als ich durch die wildeste Stadt Des Universums kam!Sechs Uhr Morgens Die Sonne geht auf. Er kommt mit schwerem Gang die Milchstrasse rauf. Sein Lasercolt hängt tief, Der Stetson lässig schief. Und ich weiss—es gibt kein zurück. Er ist der Sheriff dieser Gegend Und der schnellste im All. Sogar der Stern an der Brust ist aus Edelmetall. Er geht auf mich zu, Mir rutscht das Herz in den Schuh Und ich weiss—jetzt brauche ich Glück.JONNY GALAXIS Ist ein Sheriff der Praxis Alles was er macht, macht er gründlich und sofort. JONNY GALAXIS Ist ein Sheriff der Praxis. Er kennt kein Pardon Bei ihm kommt keiner davon.Drei stahlblaue Augen Blinzeln mich an Und seine Reibeisenstimme sagt: Hör’n sie junger Mann. Sie stehen im Haltverbot. Bei sowas sieht Jonny rot. Also schmeissen sie die Undertasse an, sonst sind sie dran!

It was the year 3010 In the farthest reaches of the universe The (silky strings?) pulled thousands to Jupiter. But I was in my 18-jet 40-tonner On my way to the west, when I came to the wildest city in the universe!6:00 in the morning the sun rose. he walks with a heavy gait up the Milky Way. His laser-Colt hangs low, His Stetson perched at an angle And I knew there was no turning back. He’s the sheriff around here, and the fastest in the universe. Even the star on his chest is precious metal. He walked towards me My heart rushed into my shoes And I knew now I needed luck.JONNY GALAXIS Is an experienced sheriff. Everything he does is done thoroughly and imwp-content/uploads/unpleasanttely. JONNY GALAXIS Is an experienced sheriff He knows no pardons Nobody gets off lightly with him.Three steel-blue eyes blink at me. And the iron friction of his voice says: “Listen up, young man!” You’re standing in a “no stopping zone.” This makes Jonny see red. So throw yourself into the saucer, otherwise you are it (?)!

“Truck Stop Mama” is an ode to a chick at a truck stop. I don’t really understand what they’re talking about, since I don’t know colloquial German trucker speak, but it sounds like they’re saying “truck stop mama is the best hammer. She’s our best piece, everyone she knows always comes back. Truck stop mama is an absolute hit, pampering truckers is for her the best luck.”

That sounds kinda dirty, which the rest of this album totally is not, as far as I can tell. But, who knows? Sit back, get yourself a bottle of Jack Daniels (or whatever the German equivalent is– Jagermeister?), chew on a stalk of hay and listen to the woes of the lonely (but not too lonely) German cowboy.

Jonny Galaxis

World Vision’s Enchanting Korean Orphan Choir

World Vision Inc., is an organization that gets Americans to ease into their Middle Class White Guilt by sponsoring orphans in other countries. In the early 60’s, they auditioned a bunch of “pensive songbirds” (Korean orphans) to sing their Seouls out (har har). Apparently they had the right idea, as this is the orphans’ 5th album. They also got to be on the Steve Allen Show, Bozo the Clown Show, and perform for “little Caroline Kennedy, daughter of martyred United States President John F. Kennedy.”

Why the boys have to wear little bowties and suits where the girls get to wear traditional-looking bathrobe things is beyond me. Maybe that was part of their fund drive– donate today, and little Soon-Yi can finally get dressed!

Though most of their repretoire is Christian and in English, such as “He Lives” and “We Plow the Fields And Scatter,” they also cover the

which seems to be on every single album recorded in the 1950s and 60s. No wonder it’s my grandfather’s favorite tune to play on the piano for hours at a time.

Everything You Always Wanted to Hear On The Moog*

(*But Were Afraid To Ask)

I always wanted to hear Ravel’s “Bolero” on the Moog. I’ve just been too afraid to ever ask anyone to play it. Luckily, my silent prayers were answered! This album features that piece, along with the “Habañera” and the “Introduction to Act I” (aka “Toreodor, don’t spit on the floor/use a cuspidor/that’s what it’s for”) from Carmen, Chabrier’s “España” and Lecuona’s “Malagueña” all performed by The Mighty Moog, “semi-conducted” by the frightfully witty Andrew Kazdin and Thomas Z. Shepard.

What could be more exciting than an album of Spanish music? (The consistency of our Spanish program, you will note, is marred only by the fact that Lecuona was not a French composer).

Hahaha! So witty! These droll gentlemen subject us to 14 minutes and 33 seconds of the Moog’s (”is there anybody still left who doesn’t know that “Moog” rhymes with “rogue?”) rendition of Ravel’s Bolero. For those of you not acquainted with Ravel’s oeuvre, “Bolero” had exactly one theme, which is repeated over and over on this album like an electronic mantra, leaving no brain cell undead. It’s Andrew Kazdin and Thomas Z. Shepard’s own “In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida,” taking up one whole side of the record.

Thanks to this record inherited from my dad’s eclectic collection, I will no longer be afraid to ask for anything on the Moog. Except for Ravel, which I still fear greatly.

Sound Effects Vol. 2 (doctored for Super Stereo)

This record came from my dad’s collection which I inherited after his turntable died in the late 90’s. Copyright 1957, this disc boasts the “new stroboscopic audio fidelity label. (a way to tell if your turntable is revolving at the correct speed)” In case you’re wondering, it also has a 13.75 DB at 10 KC Rolloff and a 65 + DB Signal to noise Ratio.

We take particular pride in the fact that the signal-to-noise ratio herein exceeds 65 decibels, and in transference from original master tape to this recording the loss is less than 1 decibel, and that, as a matter of fact, the surface of this pressing is lower than the natural tape hiss of the original master tape.

What does this all mean? It means that tracks such as #13. Shoveling Scrap Metal are scientifically formulated to be the most painfully irritating one minute and 2 seconds of your auditory life.

I listened to this album a lot when I was little, revelling in the awesomeness that was the “Super Stereo” effects– for example, on “Man on Concrete Stairs,” as he man descends, his echoing footsteps start in one speaker, and then travel around one speaker at a time, making it sound as if you’re hanging in mid air at the center of the staircase. Far out, man! (those were my dad’s exact words when he described it to me)
I make a lot of shitty electronic music on my computer, and I don’t think one piece I’ve done doesn’t contain a sample from this. being too cheap to actually buy a drum machine, “Shoveling Scrap Metal” makes a great high-hat sound if you speed it up and play it backwards. “Chinese New Year” has a pretty infectious groove as well. “Dribbling Basketball” slowed down is a great bass drum. Well, great to me anyway.

A NOTE ABOUT RECORD CARE

Much has been said of worn styli; however, the worst possible thing that one can do to a phonograph record (and, incidentally, the crime of which each of is is most often guilty) is to (a) put a “mint condition” record on a dusty turntable, and/or (b) leave it on that turntable to gather dust after having played it.

I -heart- NY… AND I SING ABOUT IT! by Robin Schade

I was born in Syracuse NY, and lived in the hickest hicklands and most wasted post-industrial wastelands Central NY has to offer. I remember being forced to sing ditties such as “The Erie Canal” and one that mentions “trip[ping] the light fantastic on the sidewalks of New York.” This inspired my 3rd-grade mind to wonder what the hell was tripping the light fantastic? What the hell kind of name is “Mamie O’Rourke?” And “Who names a mule Sal?”

Anyway, though I’ve sung about New York, I most certainly didn’t love it.

Conversely, sometimes when I jouney home from Boston into the hills and valleys of home, I see the lakes and fields and trailers with dogs tied to rusty trans Ams in the front yard, and think “I love NY.” After all, you can’t get a decent Cortland apple or a strawberry not grown in California here in Boston.

However, for all my singing about New York and loving New York, I was never inspired to love NY AND sing about it at the same time. Fortunately for me, Mr. Robin Schade (aka the New York Troubadour) does just that.

This album boasts that it has “Songs of NY State–the legends, lore, geography, history… people, places events.” OK, if this album is such a celebration of the great Empire State, then why the fuck are they leaving the guitar playing up to Ron “Wichita” Casler? The last time I checked, Wichita was not in NY (though Mexico, Greece, Egypt, Amsterdam, Poland, Philadelphia and Valhalla are).

Anyway, this album is a rollicking good time, celebrating the land of my birth with sagas such as “Ride on Loomis Gang,” (”the exploits of this notorious band of outlaws of the last century seems to be limited to Central NY State”) and hideously catchy songs like “Utica Oh Utica.” Aside from producing shitty beer and Annette Funicello, Utica has no point to existing on this planet. Even Kurt Vonnegut doesn’t have anything positive to say about the place. However, Robin Schade (”schade” means “bad” or “harm” in German, as in “that’s too bad”–coincidence?) asserts that Utica is actually “I Love NY’s heart.”

Don’t forget the insideously hook-filled title song (”I Love New York… And I Sing About It!”). If you are not singing along by the second chorus, you are probably either deaf, or are an evil NY-hating terrorist.