I honestly cannot think of anything snarky to say about this album– any joke I might crack would pale in comparison to the sheer horror of it all.  The track below starts out fairly mild, but give it a few and I guarantee it won’t disappoint.

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Based on Dan Greenburg’s book of the same name, this record enacts some of the finer points of being a Jewish Mother (at least during the Nixon era). Gertrude Berg, star of radio and television, supplies the Jewish Mother part.The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Food Distribution Still pretty funny and spot-on today, it will make you alternately laugh and cringe… just like your real mother does.

Originally known as the Bagelman Sisters, Claire and Myrna Barry were the queens of the postwar Yiddish swing scene.  Here they are covering Fiddler on the Roof from 1964.

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It’s JFK’s birthday!  In honor of this occasion I present you with a gem from WFMU’s archives:

I’m a big fan of sound effects albums, and also a giant Doctor Who nerd, so this find was particularly joyous for me! It has 30 tracks, some 3 or 4 minutes, while others are mere seconds. This record will transport you to a universe where every alien has a British accent, every turn ends up in an abandoned quarry, and where each machine hums and pulsates with Moog-ish rhythms. The humming and pulsating is what is caught best on this record,

For example, The Mandragora Helix. I can’t exactly remember what it was, but this is what it sounded like.

The Daleks’ Control Room is another exercise in pulsating electronic noises. The Daleks are salt-shaker-shaped robots who are the self-proclaimed “superior beings of the universe,” for all you non-Doctor Who fans out there. If I had to listen to this sound all day, I’d surrender my planet to them in an instant just to make it stop!

I remember this episode: the Zygons were a race of brownish creatures covered with suction cups. The inside of their ship was filled with controls that looked like dried up rubber cement globs with Christmas lights inside. Here’s what it sounded like:

The last one is a collection of sounds: the TARDIS observation screen is lowered, the TARDIS doors open, a sonic screwdriver, a fission gun from the Ark in Space, the Tesh gun from The Face of Evil, and finally a Gallifreyan staser gun:

The album’s liner notes give a helpful tip:
Time-Lord Note: A source of jelly-babies is recommended to complete the illusion of time travel.

This record is a journey back to a simpler time. The needle on the grooves transports you to a time when the word “gay” meant “frolicsome,” racism was quaint and funny, and 6-foot orange kangaroos wearing green eye shadow on ice skates were entertaining, instead of just mildly disturbing.

For your enjoyment is the story of one man who is “Little Brave Sambo” on the cover of the album, but reverts to his original name of “Little Black Sambo” once you hear the actual story.

Squaw: “This record heap big pile of buffalo dung. Maybe we save it.”
Brave: “HOW?” (har har har)

Ostriches never struck me as being very feminine or graceful. I guess I was wrong.

::shudder:: This is going to give me nightmares.

I was fascinated by the fact that this one record boasts *80* musical stories, games, and songs. 80 seemed like an awful lot. Then I realized, it takes about 10 seconds to sing “London Bridge,” so it makes sense that each cut on this record contains 3-4 songs. Anyway, probably because of the short attention spans, Uncle Tom (though he always introduces himself as Uncle DON), introduces every track by saying something like “hello there, this is Uncle Don. Let’s sing a song today, shall we”? Maybe Mom played only one track for Timmy every day. Or, maybe kids forget what they’re doing over the course of 3 minutes. Who knows?

The thing that makes this entire record the aural equivalent of a giant “bad touch” to me, though, is how Uncle Tom/Don giggles semi-maniacally throughout and after each track. I can’t decide if he’s being held at gunpoint and trying really really hard to sound jovial, or if he’s just totally insane. I completely dig his use of the word “humdinger,” though. Plus, there’s a song called “I Love My Pussy,” but unfortunately, my record is way too warped to record it. This record is so warped, in fact, that I can’t play side 2 at all because the warping is so high the record doesn’t even touch the spindle on that side.

So, put yourself in the shoes of a child on a rainy day who enjoys reading books in your perfectly-styled hair and pajamas, surrounded by candelabras and sinister looking sock puppets. The scary thing is that I have the very book that the children are so intently looking at– it the ~some company you wouldn’t expect~’s (Firestone tires?) Treasury of Folk Songs. He’s on the page that’s “Joy To the World.” I know because we used to sing from that book all the time when I was a kid, and I was obsessed with “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” probably because of its images of trampling grapes and its verse about “John Brown’s Body lies a mould’ring in the grave” (I was a morbid kid).

Look at the lower left-hand corner of the album cover. Santa Claus is embarassed by the fact that they say “cock”, “ass”, “gay” and “pussy” on this record more than on a whole season of South Park!

This track contains a fun little ditty about a man who gouged his eyes out on a thorn bush (Uncle Tom/Don explains why it’s funny at the end), a lesson in how domestic violence can be hilarious (as Punch and Judy have been demonstrating for hundreds of years), as well as a lengthy “This is the House that Jack Built”

the Queen of Hearts tells children that stealing is wrong (”I Wouldn’t do that either, would you?”), while “The Sixpence” is a lesson in the joys of consumerism, matrimony, and fiscal responsiblity. Lastly, “The Vegetable Song” celebrates our unsung heroes– vegetables.

This song is about “a funny little king” who lives on “Cannibal Isle.”

A cool thing about this record is that each cut is *exactly* the same length:

Johnny Denis & Netta Rogers – Studio and Stage

A Vegas lounge act.  I was… surprised by the timbre of Netta Rogers’ voice.  The back of this record contains an apology: “We took out the comedy patter which we feel does not improve after continued playing and we do hope you will play our record more than once… please!”

Dale McKenzie – Musically & Vocally Yours

Another lounge act, this time from Cleveland.  Dale “can adapt to any song of any era with tones of such sweet quality that you beg for more.”  The front of this record is signed  “To Deb, I hope you enjoy my humble efforts.”

Betty Bond Sings Pop

An album of “song-poems.”  Betty is more infamous for her ode to heroin addiction, Till Death Do Us Part (which you can hear here) but I was amused by this schlocky rip-off of Harper Valley PTA.  “Presently single, she has four children and has done secretarial work in addition to professional singing.”

Joe Barone and Lily Ann Carol Play For Their Friends

This album is subtitled “Live From Jupiter’s” and features Joe and Lily’s faces glued to shooting stars, orbiting a big orange planet.  Lilly sort of sounds like Cher crossed with Maya Rudolph doing Whitney Houston.

Come And Dance With The Tolmans to Johnny Brogan’s Orchestra

“For Ballroom Dancers and Musical Gourmets,” this record hails from Springfield, Massachusetts.  Ballroom Dancing records usually put me to sleep, but this whitebread version of One Note Samba drew me in with its hot dual guiro action.  I also wish I could show you Phyllis Tolman’s wig right now, which I absolutely promise to post a photo of at a later date.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, folks!  More to come…

When I was a little kid, we’d sometimes go to church with my grandparents on the weekend. Their church was a little tiny place in the middle of the woods where mostly farmers and poor people went. There was a Hammond instead of a pipe organ, the carpets were faded crimson red polyester, and the walls were lined with cheap wood paneling. My grandmother sang tenor (!) in the church choir, and my grandfather would play fiddle or musical saw along with the organ and piano. Anyway, the brash, earnest crooning of the Television’s Soul’s Harbor Singers reminds me of this church.

Google’s got nothing on these folks, but apparently they’re from Charleston, Maine. I love the Country Western arrangments, steel guitar, stiff postures and crazy hairdos. I also love how each little group of singers has its own stage name, like “The Singing Faloon’s.” Also check out Pastor Ronnie, who I’m sure caused impure thoughts in more than a couple parishioners. The track below appears to be sung by his dad.

Get it here (about 59Mb)

Jo Ann Castle was a staple on the Lawrence Welk show. She developed her lightning-fast keyboard skills at the age of five and was just as proficient on the accordion as the piano. Here’s one of her better albums– old Hawaiian standards played with a ragtime flair! Surf guitar rounds out the mix and gives a few of the tracks a slightly rock ‘n roll flavor– my favorites are “Lovely Hula Hands” and “Little Grass Shack.” You can visit Jo Ann’s official website here, and read about her (somewhat tragic) life story here.

Disclaimer: I found this record in very poor condition and even after agressive cleaning (with Windex, no less) and some digital noise reduction, some of the tracks aren’t as clean as the preview below. The music is so much fun, though, that you might not much care.

Grab it here (about 47Mb)