Who’s up for a nine-piece Christian 80s power-rock ensemble?

Fun facts about The Channels:
• Six of the band members have moustaches
• Seven band members sport the “dry look”
• Two band members have a “Farrah Fawcett”
• Rainbows are awesome!

This is exactly the sort of record that some creepy recently-divorced guy at our church would have forced upon my mother after Wednesday night Bible study.

Remember Dr. Ruth Westheimer? She’s the dwarf holocaust survivor who went from being an Israeli sniper in the 1950s to teaching us about “Good Sex” in the 1980s. She brought sex to the mainstream with her frankness and funny accent which everyone loved to mimic… I found this 45 at the Ithaca, NY Friends of the Library Book Sale several years ago. I was tickled, because not only was finding a rap song about Dr. Ruth too good to be true… but I went to high school with Laura Gersh, the Dr. Ruth impersonator on the record! She went from a rapping Dr. Ruth (she must have been 14 or 15 when this record was made) to playing the lead in a couple of school musicals, as I recall. Also, her mom was my guidance counsellor one year!

So, sit back and take in the Casio Tones and double entendres of this song. It’s really quite amazing. Don’t miss all the 80s references, like Madonna’s marriage to Sean Penn…

The B-side of this 7″ is The Hot Lunch Lady Blues, which was recorded live in the very same cafeteria where I ate lunch (or would be eating lunch, since I was too little for high school in 1985) every day.

Don’t forget to read the pun-tastic liner notes:

Were it not for the amazing fashion sense of our favorite be-mulleted keytarist, this record would not be on here. Mr. Bugnon plays amazingly Muzak-esque jazz lite that will guarantee you will be begging for the music you usually listen to in elevators. Complete with synthesized handclap beats, fake whipcracks, that drum machine beat that sounds like someone bouncing a basketball in a gym, Alex Bugnon delivers a full array of sounds you haven’t heard since the 80s. He even uses that little chirping sound that my Casio-imitation keyboard makes to keep time! Oh yeah, and don’t forget the gratuitous use of cowbell. Over all of this synthesized cocktail, Alex plays his fabulous keytar.

This piece is called “Dance of the Ghosts,” and is a good example of A.B.’s keytar-hero madness.

In “Human Epilogue,” there are some gospel singers which almost make up for the track’s spectacular un-funkiness. Almost.

From the land of piano key miniskirts, heart-shaped sunglasses, sequined tops, legwarmers and midnight druids, comes ENID, a/k/a Enid Levine. Having had a taste of the big time with a minor 80′s hit (Enid wrote the song “Hi-Fidelity” from the soundtrack of the TV show “Fame”) this is apparently Enid’s stab at even greater glory with a studio record. The results are… revealing.

Consider the following lyrics:

I remember when you were parkin’ cars / Now you think you’re hot stuff playin’ lead guitar (“American Love”)

or these:

Drownin’ in self pity like a circus clown / Whimperin’ and whinin’ / Wake up; the sun in shinin’ / And I can’t like a man who likes to be kicked around (“Kicked Around”)

or even these:

You traded me in for a new model / And trashed the love we had / And you know it makes me sad (“New Model”)

I think we can safely assume that Enid was recently dumped, and dumped for… oh, I don’t know, a model, maybe? But this is also an album of hope, for as Enid herself sings:

You gotta be your own hero / You gotta have something worth fighting for / Go out and find you gotta find your own dream now (“Be Your Own Hero”)

And failing that; there’s always cheap sex:

Night Caller, you sound so fine / Tell me what to do to make you mine / Smokey conversation, gotta let it go / Cause I’m lyin’ here alone / Waitin’ by the phone (“Night Caller”)

Please me, tease me, tie me down / I wanna feel everything / You play the officer–bring me in / Callin’ room service / Send me up some love (“Passion on the Run”)

Musically, here’s an album that covers just about every 80′s music cliché: get ready for overdriven guitars, soaring synths, a healthy dose of Fender Rhodes, and the occasional calypso beat (and/or whipshot.) And if that doesn’t do it for you, there’s always Enid’s hottt (with three T’s) piano key mini-skirt. I have no idea what the druids are all about, though.

If anyone knows anything further about Enid, I’d sure love to hear it.

Listen:

The book that this recording is based on is out of print. Can you imagine? Basically, Hal Lindsey, the author, predicted that the world was going to end in the ’70s. Later, he discovered that he was just upset because he couldn’t do The Hustle, so he amended his thinking to decide that the world was going to end in the 80s. This LP is a lecture he gave in some undisclosed auditorium on the subject (the album has absolutely no credits on it whatsoever).

OK folks, here’s what’s going to happen in a nutshell: the Jews have their homeland, and the Arabs are trying to kick them out [supposedly it says this in the end times prophecies. I'm not a biblical expert, so I can't tell you exactly what's going on there]. Russia is going to invade Israel just because they’re meanies. Some biblical dude predicted that The Neighbor To The North was going to invade…

Hal Lindsey’s droney voice left little for me to sample as he monotonously preached on about how Russia is evil, and the World Council of Churches is the One World Government that’s the “apparatus of the anti-Christ.” Not only is this record a warning of impending doom, but has a political agenda as well!

However, it may be worth the 10 cents I spent on it at a garage sale just to hear the author of such literary masterpieces as The Late Great Planet Earth and Satan Is Alive and Well on Planet Earth nonchalantly mention how another part of the prophecy involves U.F.O.s. Unfortunately, he doesn’t go into much detail, he just mentions them in passing, like “oh yeah, everyone sees UFOs these days, just like Jesus said.”

Here’s an exerpt paraphrasing some Russian guy talking about how Russia’s going to invade Israel, from a prophesy made in the 1800s. (.wav)

UFO’s are part of the prophesy (.wav)

Scientist claim that the world will be destroyed by nuclear war no later than 1999. (.wav)

However, I may need this coffee mug from Hal’s website: