Who’s up for a nine-piece Christian 80s power-rock ensemble?

Fun facts about The Channels:
• Six of the band members have moustaches
• Seven band members sport the “dry look”
• Two band members have a “Farrah Fawcett”
• Rainbows are awesome!

This is exactly the sort of record that some creepy recently-divorced guy at our church would have forced upon my mother after Wednesday night Bible study.

When I was a little kid, we’d sometimes go to church with my grandparents on the weekend. Their church was a little tiny place in the middle of the woods where mostly farmers and poor people went. There was a Hammond instead of a pipe organ, the carpets were faded crimson red polyester, and the walls were lined with cheap wood paneling. My grandmother sang tenor (!) in the church choir, and my grandfather would play fiddle or musical saw along with the organ and piano. Anyway, the brash, earnest crooning of the Television’s Soul’s Harbor Singers reminds me of this church.

Google’s got nothing on these folks, but apparently they’re from Charleston, Maine. I love the Country Western arrangments, steel guitar, stiff postures and crazy hairdos. I also love how each little group of singers has its own stage name, like “The Singing Faloon’s.” Also check out Pastor Ronnie, who I’m sure caused impure thoughts in more than a couple parishioners. The track below appears to be sung by his dad.

Your attention please. I am thy captain. The flight thou art making today is the same which Abraham, Moses, John, Peter, Paul, and all of those redeemed before have made. Enoch and Elijah joined us in mid-flight, without passing through the Gate of Death. We shall be flying today at altitudes unlimited and at a speed never known to thee before. Flying time to the New Jerusalem is not considered, for thou are now in the realm known as Eternity, where Time is no more. As we left the Earth, the weather was stormy with heavy overcast, but the report from the New Jerusalem is, as it always will be, a beautiful day without a cloud.

For those who wonder what it would be like if God ran His own airline offering direct flights to the Afterlife, this record provides a “dramatic comparison.” Passengers need merely have their ticket stamped with the blood of Christ before making their way down the blood spattered sprinkled concourse to the Gate of Death. Your seatbelt is Psalm 23. No meals will be served on this flight, as you’re about to gorge yourself at the Great Banquet Table upon arrival (also, one assumes, because you are dead.) So pack your bags and let’s jet away from this moral coil! But don’t bother bringing your Earthly burdens, as these have recently been banned by the TSA.

This record was listed at Show&Tell for a long time, but now seems to have disappeared. Recently it sold on eBay for over $20. So, I figure now is a good time to release its full glory to the sharity world.

Excerpt: Your stewardess, the Angel of Mercy

The book that this recording is based on is out of print. Can you imagine? Basically, Hal Lindsey, the author, predicted that the world was going to end in the ’70s. Later, he discovered that he was just upset because he couldn’t do The Hustle, so he amended his thinking to decide that the world was going to end in the 80s. This LP is a lecture he gave in some undisclosed auditorium on the subject (the album has absolutely no credits on it whatsoever).

OK folks, here’s what’s going to happen in a nutshell: the Jews have their homeland, and the Arabs are trying to kick them out [supposedly it says this in the end times prophecies. I'm not a biblical expert, so I can't tell you exactly what's going on there]. Russia is going to invade Israel just because they’re meanies. Some biblical dude predicted that The Neighbor To The North was going to invade…

Hal Lindsey’s droney voice left little for me to sample as he monotonously preached on about how Russia is evil, and the World Council of Churches is the One World Government that’s the “apparatus of the anti-Christ.” Not only is this record a warning of impending doom, but has a political agenda as well!

However, it may be worth the 10 cents I spent on it at a garage sale just to hear the author of such literary masterpieces as The Late Great Planet Earth and Satan Is Alive and Well on Planet Earth nonchalantly mention how another part of the prophecy involves U.F.O.s. Unfortunately, he doesn’t go into much detail, he just mentions them in passing, like “oh yeah, everyone sees UFOs these days, just like Jesus said.”

Here’s an exerpt paraphrasing some Russian guy talking about how Russia’s going to invade Israel, from a prophesy made in the 1800s. (.wav)

UFO’s are part of the prophesy (.wav)

Scientist claim that the world will be destroyed by nuclear war no later than 1999. (.wav)

However, I may need this coffee mug from Hal’s website: