America, 1965! Lots of nice people! Menfolks, and womenfolks! Old folks and young folks, with lots of in-between folks. Tall people and short people, with lots of neither one people. Some are happy, others sad. But, men or women, old or young, tall or short, happy or sad, they all keep you in the People Business– where the money is!
Years ago my friend Schwa gave me a board game-sized box of Chevrolet sales training material, circa 1965. Inside were some pamphlets and posters, and two filmstrips with vinyl record soundtracks. The “WHY?” button above was also included– I don’t know why it says “WHY” but I can only assume that it has something to do with my buying an OK used car.
I don’t have the box or the posters anymore, but here are the soundtracks from the two filmstrips. If you listen carefully, you might even hear the low bass rumble that tells the machine to advance to the next frame. I think the filmstrips are still kicking around somewhere, too– If I ever find them, I’ll have to combine them with the audio, somehow.
Download: chevrolet_1965.zip 20Mb
This record came from my dad’s collection which I inherited after his turntable died in the late 90’s. Copyright 1957, this disc boasts the “new stroboscopic audio fidelity label. (a way to tell if your turntable is revolving at the correct speed)” In case you’re wondering, it also has a 13.75 DB at 10 KC Rolloff and a 65 + DB Signal to noise Ratio.
We take particular pride in the fact that the signal-to-noise ratio herein exceeds 65 decibels, and in transference from original master tape to this recording the loss is less than 1 decibel, and that, as a matter of fact, the surface of this pressing is lower than the natural tape hiss of the original master tape.
What does this all mean? It means that tracks such as #13. Shoveling Scrap Metal are scientifically formulated to be the most painfully irritating one minute and 2 seconds of your auditory life.
I listened to this album a lot when I was little, revelling in the awesomeness that was the “Super Stereo” effects– for example, on “Man on Concrete Stairs,” as he man descends, his echoing footsteps start in one speaker, and then travel around one speaker at a time, making it sound as if you’re hanging in mid air at the center of the staircase. Far out, man! (those were my dad’s exact words when he described it to me)
I make a lot of shitty electronic music on my computer, and I don’t think one piece I’ve done doesn’t contain a sample from this. being too cheap to actually buy a drum machine, “Shoveling Scrap Metal” makes a great high-hat sound if you speed it up and play it backwards. “Chinese New Year” has a pretty infectious groove as well. “Dribbling Basketball” slowed down is a great bass drum. Well, great to me anyway.
A NOTE ABOUT RECORD CARE
Much has been said of worn styli; however, the worst possible thing that one can do to a phonograph record (and, incidentally, the crime of which each of is is most often guilty) is to (a) put a “mint condition” record on a dusty turntable, and/or (b) leave it on that turntable to gather dust after having played it.
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She looks so happy on the cover, smiling as she listens to her slick little portable record player. Look at her cute little headband and the excellent position in which she holds the pen! Who wouldn’t want her to be his or her secretary?
Little do they know that she is really a brainless automaton created for the sole purpose of writing shorthand. This record actually kills your soul, one word at a time. As the narrator with the slight southern accent intones “Dear… Sirs… since… the… shipment… of… your… Smith… register… we… are… interested… in… knowing… the… progress… you… are… making… with… the… installation…” each bit of humanity is sucked out of you as you concentrate on why exactly you have this job in the first place.
As a pure listening record, this is the most boring recording ever put to vinyl. As an instuction record, this would make me jump out a window rather than ever go back to my office. Use with caution.
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Put out by the Success Motivation Institute, Inc., who could resist a record that is subtitled “…who knows that TIME is on YOUR SIDE, the moment that you ORGANIZE IT!”
I bought this record because of the awesome graphic on the cover of a bunch of strangely-lit hourglasses sitting on pedestals emerging from a void of blackness, disappearing into oblivion. If the record was half as good as the cover, it was worth my 25 cents at the local Hadassah Bargain Spot.
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The record opens with ominous orchestral music reminiscent of an epic biblical movie. the narrator intones… “TIME…” and then goes on to describe all the things time is, dramatically pausing after every mention of the word “TIME…”
After the introduction, things begin to slightly go downhill. Mr. Meyer explains what time means to everyone, a bit on the concept of time, and then proceeds to state the obvious again and again. He uses a seemingly unsuspecting friend as he stalks him at a local coffee shop, and tells us how this gentleman is wasting time chatting and reading the paper when he could be working hard and utilizing his TIME… efficiently.
Basically, the moral of the story is… Don’t slack.
Aside from the dramatic, yet oddly anti-climactic dialogue, this record is a nerd’s wet dream, if only for the fact that, through listening to it, I discovered that They Might Be Giants sampled from it on their song “Snowball in Hell” off their Lincoln album.
We discover how Joe Anderson sucks at golf (.wav file).
Time goes slowly for crying babies (.wav file).
They Might Be Giants:
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I found this with two or three others, still sealed, at a Goodwill on East 23rd street. I have no idea where these came from; they were probably a promo or something given out at a salon. The only copyright (1967) is by Norbert himself, so I’m assuming it was self-produced.
Side 1 of this record contains “A Unique Self-Teaching Method for Hairstyling:” hairsetting tips dealt out in a thick French accent. “Speaking as though he were in his own elegant salon… it’s almost like having a visit with Norbert, right in your own home! TURN THE RECORD ON NOW and enjoy your exclusive appointment with Norbert!”
Side two is like a Berlitz guide for the Aqua-Net set: “On this record, Norbert, the French-born master of Haute-Coiffure, gives you an easy lesson to help you communicate with French-speaking hairstylists. Mister Charles, give me a completely new look! Donnez-moi une nouvelle personalite! I need a lot of hairspray! J’ai besoin beaucoups de laque! I want to look young and attractive! Je desire etre jeune et seduisante!”
Norbert apparently sunk a lot of money into this thing: the jacket is a gatefold with instructional diagrams on the inside, while slipped into a tiny pocket is a glossy French phrasebook(!) that you are supposed to bring with you to the salon.
If the cover photo is any indication, a Tesla coil was also somehow involved.
Listen:
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