All posts tagged Spoken Word

How To Be a Jewish Mother – Gertrude Berg & Dan Greenberg

Oy, you want I should tell you about this record? You should be so lucky!

Based on Dan Greenburg’s book of the same name, this record enacts some of the finer points of being a Jewish Mother (at least during the Nixon era). Gertrude Berg, star of radio and television, supplies the Jewish Mother part.The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Food Distribution Still pretty funny and spot-on today, it will make you alternately laugh and cringe… just like your real mother does.

Rev. Forrest McCullough – Flight F-I-N-A-L

Your attention please. I am thy captain. The flight thou art making today is the same which Abraham, Moses, John, Peter, Paul, and all of those redeemed before have made. Enoch and Elijah joined us in mid-flight, without passing through the Gate of Death. We shall be flying today at altitudes unlimited and at a speed never known to thee before. Flying time to the New Jerusalem is not considered, for thou are now in the realm known as Eternity, where Time is no more. As we left the Earth, the weather was stormy with heavy overcast, but the report from the New Jerusalem is, as it always will be, a beautiful day without a cloud.

For those that wonder what it would be like if God ran His own airline offering direct flights to the Afterlife, this record provides a “dramatic comparison.” Passengers need merely have their ticket stamped with the blood of Christ before making their way down the blood spattered sprinkled concourse to the Gate of Death. Your seatbelt is Psalm 23. No meals will be served on this flight, as you’re about to gorge yourself at the Great Banquet Table upon arrival (also, one assumes, because you are dead.) So pack your bags and let’s jet away from this moral coil! But don’t bother bringing your Earthly burdens, as these have recently been banned by the TSA.

This record was listed at Show&Tell for a long time, but now seems to have disappeared. Recently it sold on eBay for over $20. So, I figure now is a good time to release its full glory to the sharity world.

Excerpt: Your stewardess, the Angel of Mercy

Download: 2 tracks + Artwork 28Mb ZIP

Chevrolet – Contact!

America, 1965! Lots of nice people! Menfolks, and womenfolks! Old folks and young folks, with lots of in-between folks. Tall people and short people, with lots of neither one people. Some are happy, others sad. But, men or women, old or young, tall or short, happy or sad, they all keep you in the People Business– where the money is!

Years ago my friend Schwa gave me a board game-sized box of Chevrolet sales training material, circa 1965. Inside were some pamphlets and posters, and two filmstrips with vinyl record soundtracks. The “WHY?” button above was also included– I don’t know why it says “WHY” but I can only assume that it has something to do with my buying an OK used car.

I don’t have the box or the posters anymore, but here are the soundtracks from the two filmstrips. If you listen carefully, you might even hear the low bass rumble that tells the machine to advance to the next frame. I think the filmstrips are still kicking around somewhere, too– If I ever find them, I’ll have to combine them with the audio, somehow.

Download: chevrolet_1965.zip 20Mb

Modern Bride 1970

Here’s an amazing little bit of ephemera I found at a junk store on Canal St. for 25 cents. It’s your very special day, as only Modern Bride can deliver it– third class!

Included in the sleeve was this pamphlet explaining how to do your makeup for the camera (“admit to your imperfections”) and admonishing you to keep your fat Uncle Louie and his cheap Minolta out of the way of the photographer (“only a PROFESSIONAL photographer can capture [your day] from the flurry of just before the wedding to the last whirling handful of confetti.”)

As you can see, Modern Bride delved deep into their portfolio to bring you the widest possible sample of their professional work. Oh, and by the way, they’re the “Pioneer Of Natural Color Wedding Photography,” just in case you get the impression that your photos will come back in shades of gray and harvest gold.

And for the groom, two free tuxedos with every purchase of six or more, for when he gets hammered on piña coladas and pukes all over himself just prior to making a pass at your cousin Iris, that skank.

As for the recording inside… not what I was expecting. I’ll let you judge for yourself.

Listen:

Spiro T. Agnew Speaks Out (collector’s edition)

When I hear the name “Spiro Agnew,” the first thing that comes to mind is the fact it’s an anagram for “grow a penis.” Thus said, aside from the fact that he was the VP under Nixon, I know absolutely nothing about the man.

Now, with this record, I got a small glimpse into the heart and soul of the man himself. I got a glimpse, and it’s a dark, sinister place. In this record (the collector’s edition, I suppose to distinguish it from the regular, mainstream edition), we get to hear speeches about how everyone but the Republican Party sucks, and how everyone’s crazy and on drugs except for our noble leaders, all wrapped up in a nice little really boring package.

Public speaking wasn’t one of Spiro’s strong points, if you go by these recordings. He sputters and hesitates in odd places. The audience, however, ranges from seeming politely amused to whooping (yes, someone actually yells “YEEE HAW!” at one point) and cheering. However, the most enthusiastic person on this record is the uncredited announcer. The announcer serves as kind of a Spiro cheerleader, just in case you couldn’t follow what the VP was saying, since his speeches are layered with obtuse, wordy rhetoric and convoluted sentence structures.

Occasionally Spiro will lash out at someone, or more likely a faceless entity, like Democrats, hippies, Communists, or dissenters in general. I think the only time delivers a personal dis is to former President Johnson. Oh snap! Basically, he comes across as being pretty full of hatred, and blanketly labels dissenters as un-patriotic. Hmm. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? The ironic thing is, he disses all the people who have a negative view of America, and who can only see its bad points. Hmmm, pot, kettle what now?
What’s scary about this is how relevant this record is today. When Mr. Agnew talks about people being against the Vietnam War and insinuates how they are all unpatriotic spoiled brats, he could be speaking about the Iraq situation today. Don’t forget to listen to the cut where he gets to demonstrate his wit! I have no idea what he’s talking about, but apparently it’s funny.

Damn hippies

War of the Worlds (abridged) read by Leonard Nimoy

Eat your heart out, Tom Cruise; Stephen Spielberg ain’t got nothin’ on Leonard Nimoy!

I remember attempting to read H.G. Wells’ masterpiece in high school, and failing miserably because it was just. so. boring. Every sentence in the book contained at least 3 SAT vocabulary words, making it cumbersone to read and nearly impossible to keep the plot in sight. Unfortunately, not even Mr. Spock can keep me awake for this entire record.

As a basic book-on-record, Leonard does the best he can with the vast moutains of clunky adjectives; his voice lends the right amount of suspense, credibility, and lack of emotion that is necessary for the narrator of this story. Fans of the book will probably either love this version, being only slightly annoyed that it’s abridged. All in all, Leonard Nimoy does a much better job as a book reader than as a singer. He seems in his element as a narrator, whereas his albums kind of sound like bad, slightly drunken exercises in karaoke.

But don’t take it from me! There are probably zillions of people out there who are huge War of the Worlds fans. Heck, H.G. Wells’ son scared the crap out of the nation back in the 1940s when he broadcast a radio-play version of this book; it’s that powerful. I’ll venture to guess that he omitted a lot of the adjectives for the radio version, though.

For your perusal:

Leonard’s singing career:

Narration:

War of the Worlds – exerpt 2

War of the Worlds – exerpt 4

Victor Lundberg – An Open Letter

Available for the first time! It’s like having your aged right-wing grandfather harrangue you– in stereo! Angry Conservative rants concerning smelly hippies and draft-dodgers, read by professional voice-over talent, layered over a bizzare mix of easy listening music. Bubbling with hate and mellow tunes, the total effect is surreal, dated and topical, all at once. Just begging to be put into somebody’s video project or mashup album.

Listen:

(Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Listen:

(Moonlight Sonata)

Want to see the back cover?

the 1980s: Countdown to Armageddon

The book that this recording is based on is out of print. Can you imagine? Basically, Hal Lindsey, the author, predicted that the world was going to end in the ’70s. Later, he discovered that he was just upset because he couldn’t do The Hustle, so he amended his thinking to decide that the world was going to end in the 80s. This LP is a lecture he gave in some undisclosed auditorium on the subject (the album has absolutely no credits on it whatsoever).

OK folks, here’s what’s going to happen in a nutshell: the Jews have their homeland, and the Arabs are trying to kick them out [supposedly it says this in the end times prophecies. I'm not a biblical expert, so I can't tell you exactly what's going on there]. Russia is going to invade Israel just because they’re meanies. Some biblical dude predicted that The Neighbor To The North was going to invade…

Hal Lindsey’s droney voice left little for me to sample as he monotonously preached on about how Russia is evil, and the World Council of Churches is the One World Government that’s the “apparatus of the anti-Christ.” Not only is this record a warning of impending doom, but has a political agenda as well!

However, it may be worth the 10 cents I spent on it at a garage sale just to hear the author of such literary masterpieces as The Late Great Planet Earth and Satan Is Alive and Well on Planet Earth nonchalantly mention how another part of the prophecy involves U.F.O.s. Unfortunately, he doesn’t go into much detail, he just mentions them in passing, like “oh yeah, everyone sees UFOs these days, just like Jesus said.”

Here’s an exerpt paraphrasing some Russian guy talking about how Russia’s going to invade Israel, from a prophesy made in the 1800s. (.wav)

UFO’s are part of the prophesy (.wav)

Scientist claim that the world will be destroyed by nuclear war no later than 1999. (.wav)

However, I may need this coffee mug from Hal’s website: